trying to help them achieve this). And of course, sometimes my client says yes,
that is exactly what they want! I think it's safe to assume that most of us
have been in relationships that weren't ultimately successful. I've been on
both sides of the dumping or getting dumped fence, and it's also safe to state
that neither side is all that enjoyable. Occasionally, both parties in a
relationship know that it isn't working out and that ending it is the best
thing. Those are the easiest of the break-ups, no doubt. But all too often, one
person wants out and the other desperately wants to stay intact. That's when
the trouble -- and the heartache -- can step in, in a big way.
If you've ever been in the role of "No, I don't want this to end!" then you've also experienced disappointment, anger, rejection, and perhaps a broken heart. Invariably, when I discuss this with clients, the feeling is nearly always this: I just want to stop feeling this way. And I totally get that; it would be nice to just be able to fast forward our lives, to get past the hurt and the anger.
But here's the thing…
If we somehow were able to just zip past these feelings and resume our life in a happier mode, would we have really gained anything? I don't think so. When we are able to step back and closely examine what is really going on in a bad breakup, we should be able to recognize some important points: What went wrong? This is not always a pleasant one to examine, especially if WE are the ones who played a major role in the breakup. In a failed relationship, it's a lot easier to blame the other party, regardless of our own role. This helps us to generate the anger, and let's face it, feeling really angry at an ex-partner is a lot better feeling than that of "I just wasn't good enough for her/him."
2nd point to consider (and this is big because you're examining your subconscious beliefs): Is this breakup similar to any you've had in the past? Does your life consist of a series of failed relationships, and do they often end similarly? If the answer is yes, this is a HUGE indicator of what you have going on in your subconscious. If you hold the belief on a deep emotional level that you aren't somehow good enough, or lovable, or you don't deserve to love and be loved, you are destined for a life of unhappy relationships and sadness/anger/bitterness when it comes to loving relationships. This isn't always an easy reality to face up to. I know, because I had to face up to it when I was in my 40's, after another disappointing end to a relationship that I thought had some potential. In fact, that relationship was a key component to my delving into hypnosis. I wanted to find out why I kept sabotaging my relationships.
3rd point to consider: Once you are on the receiving end of a breakup (it wasn't your idea, in other words), how you react then is CRITICAL. Can you just let it go quickly and move on? Some can (and I always admired these people throughout my life), and some most certainly cannot. So let's break this down further: If you have been dumped and you're hurting because of it, what exactly is causing the hurt? Is the ex calling you up and taunting you about ending the relationship? Unlikely. Is the ex sending you photos with his/her new flame? If so, I think we can say it's best you're out of that relationship, anyway. No, typically when one person has to break up with their partner, they want to make it clean and painless as possible, and then vacate the dumpee's space as quickly as possible. Most people feel some level of guilt when they break off a relationship. How do you ease guilt? By putting whatever it is that makes you feel guilty out of your mind. Distance, in other words. So your partner has broken the news to you; perhaps even gave you the infamous "it isn't you, it's me" line (um, it was you), and has high-tailed it out of your life. And you're left with the lousy feelings, the questions (what did I do wrong?!), the hope that it can somehow be salvaged (and sometimes it can be, but you really know instantly deep down whether that is likely to happen or not), and of course the dreaded question: What am I going to do now? And so this recording starts looping in your mind; all of the little things you could have done differently to save the relationship, and the other things, too, like hurrying and picking up your phone when you get a text or email, in hopes that it's the ex reaching out. All of these things compound your unhappiness, and what is the root of them all? If you said your no-good ex, that is incorrect. The root of all of your sadness, anger, hurt and more … is of course, your thoughts.
This is the part that clients don't like to hear, usually. You hurt because you choose to hurt. You choose to loop the negative recording in your mind. You help perpetuate the crummy feelings by miring yourself in the sadness, disappointment, and anger. I don't mean to sound critical here; trust me, I was the champion at doing all those things for years and years. I speak from experience. There is a phenomenon called "euphoric recall" that sometimes comes into play when a relationship ends. Basically, it's where one party (the one who has gotten dumped) only remembers the good aspects of a relationship; the fun times, the sex, the trips, whatever the highlights of that relationship were. Somehow, the not-so-great aspects of the relationship are tucked away or glossed over. This psychological mind trick can be a major reason people have so much trouble letting go of a terminated relationship.
So, if I don't help clients to actually forget their ex's, what is the healthier course of action? Here is a plan that is simple and honest:
1. Start by telling yourself that this breakup is a growth experience for you (you won't want to hear this, I know, but it's important). Keep telling yourself this, if necessary.
2. Examine how you really feel, and prioritize these feelings: anger, hurt, betrayal, disappointment, despair, whatever.
3. Ask yourself what it is the worst thing that can happen to you moving forward as a result of this relationship. Caveat: telling yourself that you'll "never find anyone like your ex again as long as you live" is NOT allowed here; you have absolutely no way of knowing that and it's just a dramatic ploy to justify feeling bad, sorry).
4. Examine what part you played in the breakup. Are you your own Love Saboteur? Honesty is essential here.
5. Is this the latest chapter in a series of failed relationships for you?
5 a. If yes, do you think you have a "bad picker" when it comes to love? By the way, bad pickers are the direct result of negative subconscious beliefs. Just sayin'.
6. Start to believe deep down that you deserve to find true, happy, fulfilling love.
7. Start to accept that your own thoughts and energy can put you on the path to finding true love.
8. Move in the direction of forgiving the person who dumped you. The sooner the better.
9. Would you say that you love yourself? We are our own worst enemies when it comes to matters of the heart, often. If you don't think you really do love yourself, how can you expect someone else to? You can't give away something (love) that you don't possess yourself.
10. Consider something else way bigger than the situation that is going on... What if this breakup was part of a bigger plan? What if your soul contracted with your ex's soul before you were born, to go through a heart-wrenching experience in the physical world, to teach one or both of you important life lessons here at the Earth School? Whoa, did that one throw you a little? I can talk (and have done, in numerous classes) for hours about this possibility.
Following these steps using self-hypnosis is a great way to stop the hurt, the anger, and all the rest of the crap that often goes with breaking up. Hypnosis gets to the root of the issues -- quickly. Moving on is an important skill to learn when it comes to relationships, whether you were the ender or the end-ee. I'd be more than happy to help you on that path. Until then, please remember to take it easy on yourself…